Disillusioned Radiance

I used to automatically assume that people didn’t like me and so I didn’t talk to anyone. Then I found out about the term: introvert- where the person is classified as a reserved/solitary individual. And then I used to think that being an introvert is “ok- because there are others like me who share this personality trait”.

And then I realized that it was so impractical for someone to magically stumble upon me in a bakery I don’t go to, rereading my bukowski, and falling in love with all my quirks and imperfections.

You can be introverted like me and prefer book clubs over parties (or more accurately Halo parties over parties), or rather stay home and blog instead of going to a club. Introversion doesn’t mean you’re boring, quite the opposite in fact. But don’t confuse introversion with passivity. 
For change to happen, I believe wonders are achieved if you make the effort to get off your ass and just….do something. 

Talk to that girl.
Go on a bike ride.
Climb some muthafuggin rocks.
Discover new music.
MAKE new music.
Work out.
Go learn something new.
Paint.
Sing.
Dance.

And when you’re in the ebb and flow of any of these actions, you’ll come to realize that life isn’t as shitty as you make it out to be. That meditation within every action can give you peace of mind. And at the end of the day, you have the ability to make yourself happy without having to rely on others.

What are we but the sum of our memories?

A friend asked if he should keep old pictures or delete them with the mindset that deleting pictures means he either he's trying to forget the past, or he's trying to move on.

Some replied by saying keeping certain pictures are worthwhile if they're good memories whilst he should delete pictures that cause him pain. Now I know that we should try to shape our experiences and personalities based on generally positive vibes but I personally feel that deleting "painful" pictures is just you lying to yourself. I believe that every memory is important regardless of how happy or painful it was. Whatever you do, whatever decision you make- that's what makes you YOU. I am my every mistake and my every achievement. I own up to it and live through it. It is not a question of forgetting the past, it is the question of having the strength to live with it.

We create these impressions on people and in turn, create a memory of ourselves through someone's mind. Even after we die, our memory embedded in them lives on and in this way- we achieve immortality. It's not such an uncommon phenomenon. Many artists have achieved immortality by living in the minds of our current generation- viewing their art from thousands of years ago however fragmented it may have become. Memory is a fragile thing. Everyday we forget something, and thus everyday a little bit of us dies whilst creating new memories. Choosing to forget is redundant. Choosing to forget -to me- is a sign of weakness.

Sowing Season

Was losing all my friends. Was losing them drinking and to driving. Was losing all my friends but I got them back-

Junior year of high school (2006) I transferred from Colony High School to Corona Del Mar (Newport). It was during this transition that I experienced my first move. I had to abandon my past life and relationships and start anew in a frighteningly rich school. Albeit I made some great friends there,by the end of the year I moved again and back to my old home and high school of all places. To my surprise, some of my so-called friends didn't even notice I was gone. I grew up thinking that I would never leave this place because of all of the relationships I've acquired here but this one insignificant little moment (to anyone else) made me realize that life was so short and that I could be anywhere else. My time up to high school obviously didn't leave an imprint on anybody else's lives-why bother at all?

It was after Junior year of high school that I re-evaluated my life, my friends, and how I chose to spend my time. I stopped caring about my "status"-my "myspace"- my "image". I guess it was an appropriate time to develop senioritis. T'was also the year Brand New came out with their album: The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me.

This album changed my life- It made me accept myself. I was more content with the friends I could count on my fingers than the number of friends on my myspace. it was after I stoped caring about what people thought about me that I became happy- free to do anything without a care in the world about who might think me weird or who thought me strange. I AM weird. I think everybody is weird and that's ok, only some people try really hard to hide that fact and wear whatever swag they see on TV (and listen to whatever the radio spoon-feeds them) . At the end of it all, high school was some fleeting dream short lived, a machine I slept in whilst the saviors had wood and nails. But I've been awake for some time now and I look around to see people still dreaming.

Black Holes and Revelations

Have you ever met someone so bland, dull, and boring when it comes to their personality? Granted that you might just have different personality types and you find other things more interesting but more often than not, I feel like society has created a personality template that most people don't tend to deviate too far from. I don't mean to hate on music at all- in fact I'm a musician in my own right. I've written my own songs and play a variety of instruments (regardless of how proficient I am at them). But I feel that those who listen to the radio are fed the same notes at the same time repetitively are subjects of brainwashing. By all means, good for you for having at least some music in your life but you could at least develop your own taste instead of swallowing whatever mass media feeds you. Music is such a colorful part of life and if you're one of those people who just "listen to the radio"- I'm obliged to think that you're pretty fucking boring from that premise alone.

These people. They tend to be Black Holes of conversations. Whatever you say and/or ask, they'll simply nod their head in agreement or give one word answers. I came to the Revelation that regardless of how "nice", "cute", and "pretty" someone is or can be- the effort in getting to know them has never been worth it.

This is ibbqcats- losing faith in humanity. One boring person at a time. Be the change you want to see in the world and ask yourself if you would hang out with yourself. What do you do for fun on your free time? A question I'm surprised to see many people struggle with.

[[End Communication]]

Thoughts at night

Sometimes at night while laying on my bed I get lonely and think about how nice it must be to be in a relationship. And then I remember all the little things of my past relationship that makes me shiver. All the crap I had dealt with just for a little affection.Then I got around to thinking...maybe I just wanna cuddle and wonder if other people ever have this same feeling. Not even sex or anything- just...cuddle.

And that's when I found out that I was hypothetical cuddle slut.

And then I shame away this feeling with video games and Doctor Who feels.

[[End communication]] Ibbqcats out.

Voids for Cats

"We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but we won't. We're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off." -Tyler Durden- Chuck Palahniuk.

I can't help but feel that great writing is inspired by something well...great. However sorrowful or fantastic writing may be, there is a spark that happens naturally in the world and we as writers are there to capture it and turn it into something more or less. My predicament is the same of Tyler's. We have a war I'm pretty positive nobody truly knows anything about and a "Recession" where I slightly have less money in my pocket.  I'm not claiming to be in the political know-how or even up to date with the status-quo. Hell I don't even keep up with pop culture. Am I the only one who hates Justin Beiber and Chris Brown almost instantly? No. There is nothing so powerful that has moved me to write aside from the fact that there's a noticeable lack of it. Am I so blind as to not see the stories that unfold around me? Am I suffering writer's block? Are volumes so overwhelming that I've become deaf and blind?

I mustn't be afraid to flow my mind. For now I'll just write and write- clearing up one clot till the next black hole.

Camping with the Baman.

A few weeks ago I went camping at Kernville with two of my closest friends, Baman and Jacob.
We spent a total of 3 days out in that blazing heat but everything was well worth it. It was my first time river rafting and it was so much freaking fun. I had always thought those river trips were always kind of boring when read on paper. Just a bunch of white people doing white people stuff. Just kidding. Or am I? I mean think about it. You get a raft and you just sit in it and you float slowly down a river. We weren't even tied together to talk during our float or anything so most of the time we're just....floating there. But as boring as floating sounds, it was different and a very good different at that. It was one of those "you had to be there" experiences but I'll do my best to rationalize why river rafting is the shit.

If you've never been, the sheer thrill of hiking out towards the river, mounting rocks, and throwing your raft down is already giving you a sense of adventure. Look at you...doing hoodrat things with your hoodrat friends. At this point, it doesn't matter what you're really doing, as long as you're doing something with good company.

As soon as you throw your raft down, you realize that despite this bolstering heat, the water is pretty damn cold and you're getting second thoughts. You've already made that hike though and you're too lazy to walk all the way back to the truck in this heat. Screw it. You jump in your raft and off you go on a current that seemed much slower from a distance. Now you're floating off with no hope of stopping because there's nothing to grab onto and the bottom of the river is actually quite deep. You're hoping your friends will do the same and jump in too and you're hoping they do it quick because this shit is now pretty fucking fast and you don't want to be alone.

Fast forward. ->>
Your friends finally catch up with you on the slow part of the river where you can just relax...until you head white water crashing in the distance. Your raft picks up speed again and soon you find yourself maneuvering between rocks and branches hoping to God or whatever deity you wish that your raft won't get punctured-whilst hitting your ass on the rocks you're unfortunate enough to go directly over.

Add this scenario with screaming almost the entire length of the river, and you got yourself a damn good time.

[[End Communication]] -Ibbqcats out.

More Photos Here: Kernville