Neverland

I’m in a comfortable niche right now but I feel the storm coming.

The world and all it’s splendor will open up too many opportunities I’ll probably regret missing out on and I’m unsure if it’s because I’m anchored by responsibilities or content with luxuries. I always say that you’re only as old as how you feel but what happens when you start to feel your age? In what other way can I cheat the deterioration of my life if not in the mind where it truly counts?

This swirl of oncoming responsibility and freedom with the accomplishment of my near-graduation is too much to anticipate while I compose 12 pages of literary material essentially regurgitating 10 other sources into a “voice” that is supposedly mine. No, instead of writing my term papers, I’d rather say what’s actually on my mind for a change. I’m afraid of falling into a slump of the familiar. Eat. Work. Sleep. Repeat.
The world is so much more terrible/more wonderful than that. The idea of finding a steady income is what scares me. I can’t imagine how people memorize schedules and deadlines whilst counting down till their vacation days. Is the stable flow of money and security really that important?

In the end, what is the value of one’s life? The amount of money they’ve acquired? How successful they feel? How many houses they’ve got? My philosophy has always esteemed happiness as the most important factor ever but determining what makes one happy is an art in and of itself. It requires extensive exploring and experimentation-to make one step outside of their comfort zone forever onward. I’d love to literally go exploring in the modern sense of the word (backpacking) but there are so many deep seated attachments one would have to sacrifice.

I’m referring to family. If it’s not already the biggest obligation in your life- I don’t know what else could compare. You owe two of them your existence. If they’re good parents, they’ve built a life for you and provided for you. But to explore the limits of absolute beauty and ecstasy, you have to be free of them. How can anyone really let loose when in the back of your mind, you know that someone is worried sick about you having a roof over your head? The guilt holds you back. I’m definitely NOT saying that you have to be an orphan to be truly happy. I’m saying you need to reach a near impossible compromise of understanding between you and your loved ones that you’ll have to go away for a very long time to discover yourself. And thus we return to the responsibilities of growing up, and providing for those who provided for you. Of course we love them in one way or another, but it is an unspoken obligation nonetheless.

“I want to always be a boy, and have fun!,” to which Wendy replies “You say so, but i think its your greatest pretend.”

Fuck you Wendy. Not all of us are Victorian.

I feel like a boy chasing more than his own shadow.